When the Breadwinner Wears a Skirt
I’ve been struggling with how to write this post without seeming unnecessarily cruel, but I don’t think there’s a way to do that. Don’t be surprised if BankerGirl’s next piece is entitled “How to Call Off a Wedding.”
In October (if he doesn’t leave me after writing this), I will marry a funny, kind, creative, strong, clever man who I adore. Matt is my true fit, my soul mate, the only guy I’ve ever met who I can be my real, unedited self around (as a matter of fact, he’s heard me say everything that I’m about to write here). When I tried to date men that were motivated by the same things I am (career, money, status), we would have regular clash-of-the-type-A-personalities fights. I adore Matt and I can’t wait to be his wife, and I know that I’m being hurtful to him when I write this, but I have a confession to make: sometimes I wish I wasn’t the head of our household.
I make about twice as much money as my partner. If you had told me five years ago, that this would be the case today, I would have laughed in your face. I was raised in an extremely traditional household (my mom stayed home with us until I was in junior high), and I assumed that my life would follow the same path. I am so glad that this isn’t the case - but I notice that a lot of “conventional” assumptions and biases creep into my thinking, and since I never have an unspoken thought, I end up opening my big yap at some of the most inopportune times (like during the wedding reception).
When I’ve had too much time to think (or too much to drink, as was the case at a wedding last weekend), I begin to articulate some of my most innermost fears: “If I lose my job, we lose our house.” “If we decide I should stay home with our kids, it means giving up our lifestyle” and my personal favorite, “It’s not fair that I have to make the money and manage the money, run our calendars, take care of the house, and plan a wedding. I need a housewife of my own!”
I’m well aware that having these thoughts makes me one sick puppy and I should seek therapy to deal with my gender role issues. That goes without saying.
Further complicating the problem, at least in my warped mind, is that all of my friends and work peers have ‘traditional’ marriages where their partners act as the head-of-household. I’m occasionally find myself feeling twinges of jealously that these women get to work part time, or stay at home, or pursue noble professions like non-profit work because there is someone else is acting as the financial provider in their family. My last two bosses were breadwinners, but they had stay-at-home husbands that ran their errands and took care of the house. I don’t see Matt ever giving up his job (he’s said as much), so I don’t think a full-time househusband is in my future (especially after reading this post).
Let me be clear, Matt does more than his share to contribute to our partnership. Financially, we split the bills proportionate to our individual income. We also take turns at most of the household chores, like the dishes and the laundry - and he is great cook who loves to prepare food in volume, so we always have ready-made meals in the freezer to grab and go as we rush out the door to work each day. Intrinsically, he provides more value to my life than I could ever put a price tag on, he is my best friend, my sounding board, and my compass - and I often take that for granted. We talk. A lot. About everything. This topic always leave both of us feeling a little tender and exposed.
Don’t get me wrong, I work because I like to. I work because I want to. I am driven by money and status. I work 10-12 hour days because I want to, not because someone is telling me that I should. I am aware that we could make a major lifestyle change, drop out of the rat race, live much more simply, and be comfortable on Matt’s income (we have friends who have opted to do something similar to this, and they’ve been inspirational, but I don’t see Matt and I going down this path - at least not now).
The reason that I’m putting this into writing and sharing it is that I was wondering if there are other women out there who have had similar thoughts, if even for a second? Am I a crazy, shallow bitch, or are these things other female breadwinners think? Will I get used to the responsibility over time?
And for you guys, how men do it? How do you balance the demands of work with the demands of a family and not go insane? Do you all have wives and housekeepers and administrative assistants that keep the calendar up-to-date and your house clean and your life running smoothly? Do you ever even give ”work-life balance” a thought? Why do I keep asking questions that I’m sure will not be answered?
As for me, I’ll be calling a marriage counselor and therapist to work through my narcissistic thought tendencies.
Stumble it!
May 28th, 2008 at 10:04 pm
Get a pre-nup.
Seriously.
Ohh, and I make (and have) more moolah than my partner. I also do the financial planning, bill paying, and other traditional head of household stuff. He does the dinner preparation and cooking. For us it’s not really a case of my taking the “male role,” and him aligning more with “wife stuff” … it’s just we focus on what we like most. I like finance and he likes food. I’m good with money and he’s good with marinara.
Ohh, and get a pre-nup.
Hugs.
May 28th, 2008 at 10:28 pm
“And for you guys, how men do it? How do you balance the demands of work with the demands of a family and not go insane?”
I’ll probably just go insane. To be serious, I’m in the same boat as you with one crucial difference: I was told to expect this from the beginning.
May 28th, 2008 at 10:34 pm
Ask him a lot of hard questions, and invite him to ask you a lot of hard questions. Make sure you’re both in it for the right reasons.
I disagree entirely on the idea of a pre-nup. It’s a cop-out. It’s as if one’s planning to get divorced before one gets married.
If a pre-nup seems necessary, why not just not get married and save the trouble?
May 28th, 2008 at 11:51 pm
@mbhunter: I’d imagine a pre-nup seems necessary because 50% of marriages end in divorce and I suspect somewhat less than 50% were expecting it.
May 29th, 2008 at 4:01 am
Heidi,
This is a difficult subject, but I’m sure it was very therapeutic just to write it.
We share household duties. This includes cleaning house once per week (the hardcore cleaning) and preparing meals. Everyone contributes something to the relationship, whether it be emotional support or just someone to counter the other’s personality.
Write it down! It sounds like you’re highlighting all the negative aspects of your relationship. I challenge you to write it down on a piece of paper and come up with one positive thing for all the negative things you think you’re encountering. Your friends may get to stay at home or pursue nonprofit, but do they have as fulfilling jobs as you do?
May 29th, 2008 at 6:30 am
i used to make more than my husband and then we had our first kid. after a year of working we decided that we would make a change and i would stay home. looking back, it seems totally crazy but it added a huge amount of calm to our lives. we had less money, but we also worked hard to cut back everywhere we could. i still made some money — freelance writing for a former employee. now, six years later, i’m still home (with our two girls) and my husband has gotten a better job and i have my own photography business.
i guess i want to emphasize is that you can’t predict how life will turn out. i never thought i’d be a stay-at-home mom. but being with my kid became ultra important. fortunately i married someone who was flexible enough to make some big changes. so instead of trying to map out the possibilities of your future, make sure you have a partner who loves you so much that he wants to figure it out with you as you go. you really have no idea what’s ahead for you.
and even though i’m home, i still need help with the house. again, iv’e got this great husband who pitches in whenever i need it and without complaint. his character is far more important than his earning power.
btw, i have a male friend who stays home with his kids while his wife works. he pretty much takes care of everything kid- and household-related because she has a long commute. but they are happy and they work together to make it a good situation.
May 29th, 2008 at 7:47 am
I have no advice, but I’ve wondered about how to handle this myself. There are times I’ve made more and times I’ve made less, but either way I can’t handle the traditional gender roles–despite this weird voice in my head (which sounds suspiciously like my mother) raising all sorts of fears.
Definitely call the therapist and do some exploring of your own feelings. Congratulations on having such a stable and open relationship that you’ve not only talked about all of these issues, but feel secure enough to post them on a blog, where the world can read them.
May 29th, 2008 at 7:51 am
“If I lose my job, we lose our house.” - Anyone that has a job and lives paycheck to paycheck will think this, whether they’re a breadwinner or not, or equally yoked with their spouse. This is very fixable, and you’re working on this by getting out of debt and eventually building up a big fat emergency fund.
“If we decide I should stay home with our kids, it means giving up our lifestyle” - What lifestyle is that? The one that got you into a mess of debt? If you make a decision now to always live within your means you will find a way to make it happen. Also, I hear that the decision to have children often comes with a change in priorities.
“It’s not fair that I have to make the money and manage the money, run our calendars, take care of the house, and plan a wedding.” - No, that isn’t fair. There’s going to have to be quite a bit of give and take in this area. At least the wedding will be over in October. Perhaps you need to not have so full a calendar, and maybe once you’re out of debt you can hire a housekeeper.
It’s about 3 or 4 months until the wedding? Sounds about right to be having these thoughts. It’s good to get it out of your system. I know I was having serious doubts about what my husband was going to be bringing to the household (A few months after we got engaged he quit his job to try to make money playing online poker. His bankroll lasted three months and then he found another job, which was better than the previous one so I guess it worked out.) After I wrote all my thoughts out in a Word doc I felt much better, and now I can’t even remember what I was complaining about because he is a wonderful husband and partner, even if he still won’t use a mop.
The only advice I have is that when you discuss this, don’t get upset, freak out, and be naggy. It isn’t worth it. I’m glad I got that out of my system before we got married, because since the day we said “I do” it’s been a breeze.
May 29th, 2008 at 7:57 am
Just wanted to add:
make art every day is absolutely right.
I deleted that Word doc a few months ago because I hated having evidence around that I ever had those doubts. My husband is just what MAED described: “loves [me] so much that he wants to figure it out with [me] as [we] go”.
May 29th, 2008 at 8:34 am
“Work-life balance” is a lady issue, I think, at least from this gentleman’s perspective. I don’t even see a distinction between work and life as if they are two separate but equally important elements of existence.
Work is an element of life, not something that is to be “balanced” against it. For example, I still breathe, contribute to society, engage in conversation, and help others when I am getting paid to work. When I am not getting paid to work, I also breathe, contribute to society, engage in conversation and help others. What is to balance?
If “work-life balance” is shorthand for “paid work/unpaid work” balance, I would admit to struggling there on occasion. There are times when I have to work until midnight while also feeling both mad and guilty for missing one of my kids’ programs. There are times when I’m at a kids’ thing, thinking up some great contribution I can make at paid work.
But the fact that people call it “work-life” balance indicates to me that, at least for some who use the term, there is a mental (and false) dichotomy between the subset “work” and the set “life.”
And, yeah. You better watch what your unpaid executive chef puts in your macaroni for the next few days.
May 29th, 2008 at 9:08 am
Heidi, good for you for tackling a difficult subject. I do want to say that I think it’s perfectly normal to feel unsettled with a huge life change like marriage around the corner.
My situation is a little different from yours, but I did want to suggest that perhaps when you get married (if not before), you both shift your perspective on your finances. You mentioned that you pay expenses proportionate to your income, but to me that seems to emphasize the disparity. It may work when you’re a couple living together, but when you’re married, it seems more cohesive to pool all of the income and pay expenses out of that pool, regardless of where the money came from. Again, this is my own view of marriage and money, but I think it helps erase the differences in financial contribution.
Also, it sounds like you feel kind of trapped, which is normal for people getting out of debt. May I suggest that as part of your debt repayment plan, you also work out a plan for your finances once the debt is paid off? In particular, I would recommend a plan that puts a significant amount into untouchable savings; in other words, you’ll be living on a lot less income than you bring in. This will help you see that you don’t *need* all of that income, and take some of that pressure off.
I hope you find a great therapist - stress from stuff like this is really not fun. Good luck!
May 29th, 2008 at 11:23 am
One thing my wife and I struggled with when we got married is the “my money, your money, our money” thing. When getting married its hard to try and think of things in terms of “us” now instead of thinking about your own needs as you always have previously.
It is a painful transition, one that you’ll probably always need to be working on - remembering to be unselfish in your marriage, share everything equally, and communicate. We’ve been married for almost 6 years now, and we’re still working out some of these issues.
Couples counseling to talk your way through these (and other) issues probably wouldn’t be a bad idea.
May 29th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
I’ll never figure this out.
I make considerably more than my wife. Had I approached our relationship like this, it would have been met with splintering shards of hate mail.
welcome to the world that most of us men go through. you can work hard, and he can be supportive. Or you can get bitter in five years, and toss him aside for a man that makes more.
You’ll get little to no sympathy from men that have been in this position for centuries.
May 29th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
As the current breadwinner for our little family, I hear you. And it’s ok to be thinking and feeling and worrying those things. I think men feel similar things…maybe put differently but probably rooted in the same things.
Life is messy, scary, but we figure it out as best we can. No particular reason to call off a wedding…as long as you two get along despite your atypical roles (not abnormal, just atypical).
May 29th, 2008 at 9:55 pm
Brave. Been there 100%. Consider it a good thing–I’d be shocked if the financial status quo in your relationship never changed. And when or if it does, you’ll both have the perspective to respect each others’ roles, no matter what they are.
May 30th, 2008 at 12:38 am
I have to thank everyone for their rather supportive comments here. To be honest, I expected a lot more comments like @Denn.
@Fox: there is probably a prenup in my future. Since the house is in my name, I want to protect the equity. Since I have significantly more student loan debt, we’re planning a “you leave with what you came with” type deal.
@mbhunter: I have seen too many of my clients go through messy, ugly divorces to not have a prenup. We have no plans to combine all of our finances, but we’ll see how it goes over time.
@Brooke: you’re absolutely correct, just putting these thoughts into words have given me a lot of perspective
@make art: it’s so true that time has a way with smoothing things out. I never in my wildest dreams would have thought that my life would look like this at 32 - it’s silly to think that I’m going to know what my priorities will be next week let alone in five years.
@Kimberly: for some reason it never occurred to me that these thoughts were part of the standard ‘pre-wedding jitters.’ Matt and I have together so long that sometimes I forget that this whole ‘marriage’ thing is a whole new chapter and it’s normal to be asking these questions before making a big life decision.
@Dan: “lady-issue” makes it sound like it’s my time of the month or something! But seriously, good point about “paid” vs. “unpaid” work.
@CFO: I like the idea of continuing to live on less after the wedding and the debt is paid off - we’ve been able to save about $10k since the first of the year, if we could keep an emergency fund of that amount at all times, it would take a considerable amount of pressure off of both of us. Living paycheck to paycheck (like we were doing last year at this time) really strained our relationship and we’re much happier now.
@Denn: I like your optimism!
@Pete: I’m awful at the whole ‘yours, mine, and ours’ thing. I insisted on calling the house “mine” long after Matt sold his house (for awhile there we had two mortgages). I am hoping that we can naturally blend more and more of our finances over time, but I think we’d both like a certain level of autonomy for now.
@MrsM & Sara: thanks for the support - and for the reminder that nothing in a relationship is static. As long as we approach life as a team, we’ll be ready to go with its ebbs and flows.
May 30th, 2008 at 8:01 am
I was actually feeling more than a little annoyed with you for using words like “narcissistic” and “sick puppy” to describe your guilt in having these thoughts. C’mon!
These are certainly normal feelings to have given your situation. I think anyone, man or woman, is bound to feel pressure from time to time stemming from having the responsibility of being primary breadwinner. It is a burden, more so when there is more than 1 person involved.
However, despite all the gains women have made in equality in the workplace, women often are still responsible for the bulk of household chores and child raising, on top of their full-time jobs. I don’t believe that fathers who are primary wage-earners feel the same pressure and stress as mothers who work full-time. The victories in the workplace were legally mandated, but a more equal partnership at home is something that can’t be enforced by law. that’s why it’s been slower to happen.
Women are raised to be nurturing and to “take care” of people. Men aren’t usually like that and if their wife takes on that role, he’ll usually sit back and enjoy being catered to.
You said several times that you’re driven by career and money, so only you can say when and if it just becomes too much.Personally, i would vastly prefer to have a modest, but sustainable income and more free time than a long work day and no time left for myself, even if i did drive a shiny new car (which i could care less about).
I say yes to the prenups. those who say it’s like preparing to fail, or something like that, are allowing their emotions to dictate. Whether you like it or not, marriage is not just about love. It’s also a legal agreement with repercussions down the road should it dissolve. So if there is great disparity in your income, as you say there is, by all means, get a prenup. PLEASE.
May 30th, 2008 at 11:48 am
You’re realizing that one of your deeply-held assumptions about How Life Works doesn’t actually apply all that well to your life. That’s always going to be jarring, no matter what the specific circumstances.
You’ve identified that the situation you’re in is actually quite good, and that your distress is coming from how it’s failing to sync with your expectations. That’s hugely encouraging. The fact that your expectations didn’t change the moment you realized they weren’t a good fit for your life anymore doesn’t make you a “sick puppy” or a “narcissist” — it makes you human.
Keep working at it — counseling will likely help. Keep yourself focused on what’s right rather than what’s wrong, and keep drawing a distinction between what you expected versus what you actually need (which I certainly think you’ve done in this post). Just don’t beat yourself up if you don’t transform your entire way of thinking all in one fell swoop. If you’re fundamentally happy with the way your life is going, you’ll figure out a way to adapt to it.
June 1st, 2008 at 6:22 pm
Heidi
I think you are perfectly normal and very brave for being honest about your feelings. When I read your blog, I see so much of myself. Type “A” personality, driven by money and status, work 10-12 hrs/day because I want to and I like it, dream of traditional marriage with someone equally driven but realize an untraditional marriage is more likely, etc. Boy, do we have a lot in common! LOL
Although I’m not walking down the aisle anytime soon, I still say ditch the “typical” idea of gender roles. Approach your relationship as a partnership and do what feels most comfortable for the two of you.
Why are YOU doing so much? Head of household doesn’t mean carrying all the burden. You earn more money, so what?! You manage the finances because you like to. But why are you managing the family’s calendar and taking care of the house by yourself? Share the burden honey! Isn’t that why people get married? I know it’s easier said than done, but for example:
It shouldn’t matter who pays most the bills, when it’s both of your money.
It shouldn’t matter who does the dishes, when it’s both of your home.
It shouldn’t matter who does the most to take care of the children, when both of you work and it’s your family unit.
Whoever gets home first, prepare dinner. Whoever gets off the earliest, pick up the children. Whoever likes numbers, handle the finances. Whoever is the most organized, handle the family’s calendar.
However, neither of you should waste time doing something you hate. For those things, outsource. That’s the purpose of working. Money is a means to an end. Use it to make both of your lives more enjoyable.
I think it’s when we allow society to dictate what role we play, when we play it, and how often we play it that we began to have those mixed emotions. A marriage is a partnership that requires TWO wholes, not 50/50 or any variation of one person doing more or less.
Take on the roles where you are most comfortable with and love your future husband for all the reasons that speak to your heart. Then have a glass of wine and go have sex. Can’t confuse those gender roles!
June 1st, 2008 at 10:36 pm
[…] Girl writes honestly in When the Breadwinner Wears a Skirt where she ponders what it means to earn more income than her future husband. Banker Girl poignantly […]
June 4th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
This post frustrates me quite a bit and I’ve tried several times to write a response that was balanced and maybe even somewhat helpful. However, I seem to be struggling quite a bit, so will just try to put a few thoughts down:
* No surprise to you, in lieu of the ideal lives we envision for ourselves, we are faced with choices that move us closer or farther away from that vision.
* You want to re-divide some responsibilities, then make it happen…the alternative is to accept it and move forward. Admittedly, this is easier said than done. Clearly, my wife and I have both made attempts to shape each other to fit our own ideals (ex: more helping with the household from me). I doubt either of us has achieved nirvana…but we keep trying to move closer to it despite our failures.
Finally, if you knowingly are saying things that hurt your spouse…how about trying to keep them between each other? I’m not talking as much about this blog where we don’t know you, but rather at the wedding you mentioned. Don’t make excuses…it’s lame.
June 11th, 2008 at 10:08 am
I struggle with this every day. I’m the breadwinner in our household - and yes, I’ve hired myself a wife and it’s working out great (thank God for Cassie). I struggle with fitting in with the stay at home moms - who seem to be everywhere. I feel like I’m wierd because I seem so “manly” being career driven. The other moms look at me like I’ve got a third arm and look down at me because I don’t spend more time with the kids. That being said, there’s not many men who can “hang” with a strong woman like me - and my hubby is my best friend, he’s very supportive and he’s my biggest cheerleader. I’d much rather be in my position than the position of many of the stay at homes I know who feel like they can’t pursue their dreams. Every situation is tough - whether you’re a stay at home or a working woman who is a breadwinner. It’s just different challenges/different battles. Same goes for our guys - my hubby has a whole set of challenges that differ from his breadwinner peers - doesn’t make them any less difficult, just different. So, no, you’re not crazy! Just remember to love your guy for all the great things he brings into your life - you make the money; he brings a listening ear and tons of emotional support (I’m guessing).
June 14th, 2008 at 10:23 pm
Hire a cleaning person. If you can’t afford one, buy less stuff and using the savings to hire a cleaning person.
July 25th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
>And for you guys, how men do it? How do you balance the demands of work with the demands of a family and not go insane? Do you all >have wives and housekeepers and administrative assistants that keep the calendar up-to-date and your house clean and your life running >smoothly? Do you ever even give ”work-life balance” a thought? Why do I keep asking questions that I’m sure will not be answered?
I wish I had a housekeeper, Administrative Assistant etc. but I don’t…my wife does help a lot but there is still plenty of work for me to do. Balance ISN’T easy to achieve and the more family members you have the harder it becomes. I’ve found a major key to remaining sane is to let less important things go. I’ve cut out some hobbies entirely and scaled back a lot on others to have more time with the family. I’ve accepted that averaging 8-9 hrs/day at work is enough, I know I won’t be most likely to get promoted but spending 2 hrs/day more with the family is worth a LOT. I would like a new huge flat screen TV, but the old CRT works fine so I’m keeping it. Cable TV would be nice but it’s pricey and I would be tempted to watch too much TV so rabbit ears make more sense. A new computer would be great but I don’t really need a new one, so I’ve been sticking to occasional inexpensive upgrades.
“If I lose my job, we lose our house.” – Unless of course you get another job before ALL of your savings run out, or you have insurance to cover a major disability that would prevent you from working. BTW as the major breadwinner you SHOULD get some term life insurance so that your husband wouldn’t lose the house!
“If we decide I should stay home with our kids, it means giving up our lifestyle” – Actually having kids will majorly change your lifestyle anyway even if money were no issue at all TIME will be. I would suggest that you try “living” on just your husband’s salary and use your salary to paying down debt and invest. That isn’t something you can do overnight, but if you eased into it I suspect that it would be possible especially if you apply pay raises/bonuses toward that goal rather than toward buying extra stuff.
“It’s not fair that I have to make the money and manage the money, run our calendars, take care of the house, and plan a wedding. I need a housewife of my own!” – Who said life is fair? It sounds like you are overloaded, you may want to: Scale down the housework– possibly clean half as often as you did before or hire temporary help. Can you streamline the finances? As a banker I hope you are doing online banking, but you may be more efficient if you collect entries in an in box and process them every few days instead of entering one or two things at a time. You could also make it easier by buying fewer things thus saving money and cutting down the number of transactions to process.
-Rick Francis
August 13th, 2008 at 5:53 am
This is one of many reasons men die younger than women. Traditionally, men have been the breadwinners, and before that, the hunters (who often became the dead). We’re wired for it. It will be interesting to see the statistics 100 years from now on women who have assumed the breadwinner role.
Will they be more inclined to die the early death? I think so.
As for the pre-nup and the non co-mingling of funds: It sounds so un-sexy. If I were your potential mate, I’d call the whole thing off. It doesn’t sound like a marriage; it sounds like co-habitation.