Bridal Registries – enabling generosity or a license for greed?
Between my good friend’s wedding in August and my own pending nuptuals in October, it’s all weddings all of the time at my house.
Matt and I started our wedding registry last weekend, and it went pretty well. The whole day was almost entirely without incident until it was time to select the flatware. Matt wanted to register for the $40 20-piece set at Target, while I thought that this was the opportunity for us to finally have some nice silverware (even if it isn’t actually silver). I found a set I liked at a department store for $35 for a five piece setting - when I looked at the price I was pleased to note that this was one of the least expensive options available. Score!
We went six rounds on the $35-a-set flatware.
Matt made an excellent point - you can just as easily get food to your mouth with a $2 fork as a $7 - but for that matter - we could keep eating off of the utensils we already have - the mismatched “set” that was the result of combining our households three years ago works just fine.
Matt said that he would be embarrassed to have someone buy him a “$7 spoon.” My rebuttal: “at least it’s not a $30 spoon, like this one over here.” And so it went.
The whole process has led me to wonder: just what is the purpose of a bridal registery? To set up house? If that’s the case - we’re already pretty set. We’ve been getting by with made-for-college-student cheapies and hand-me-downs for years. I don’t think there’s any law that says married people are required to have matching flatware.
I wish I were more evolved (or less broke) and willing to just register with my favorite non-profit organization and donate all wedding gifts to charity, but there are some things we’ve been putting off buying in anticipation of this moment. Plus, after years of gift-buying for others, I feel a bit of entitlement to this bridal rite-of-passage.
I know that new flatware and dishes and bedding won’t make our marriage any happier, but I do know that I’ve been putting off buying good cookware because I knew that this day is coming. We’re trying to live more simply, so we’re not registering for a bunch of crap - there are no candles or chotchkes on our registry - but there are a few things we’ve been wanting - stuff we would never buy ourselves. For example, I’ve been looking forward to getting an immersion blender and salad spinner for years - and Matt desperately wants a giant hammock and an accompanying stand.
But really, how much is too much? How much is enough?
Part of me really wanted to register for the Vera Wang china and the complete 15-piece All-Clad cookware - but that seemed excessive. I thought that the flatware seemed pretty reasonable.
So I ask the readers, what are your thoughts on bridal registries?
Stumble it!
July 21st, 2008 at 10:23 pm
Personally, as a guest, I’m annoyed when someone doesn’t have a bridal registry. Unless they are my best friend of all time, if they don’t have a registry I’d have no idea what to buy them. I’d then have to spend an inordinate amount of time trying to think what to get and then agonizing over whether or not they will like it. I also run the risk of wasting my money on something the couple doesn’t even want. I say yeah for the bridal registry. If you register extremely expensive china, crystal and flatware you run the risk of ending up with odd numbers as there will be people who will not be able to afford them. Making wise choices on your registry is a great help to your friends! I hope you won the flatware battle!
July 21st, 2008 at 11:08 pm
As a guest to weddings, I’m completely neutral, though if I don’t see anything I want to buy on the registry I don’t feel bad about picking something else.
As someone who’s engaged, I’m more concerned with keeping clutter out of our house. I wish there wasn’t a taboo against giving money, because what we’d really want is help towards a down payment for our house. Since we can’t do that, we’ll probably forgo a registry.
July 21st, 2008 at 11:13 pm
I’d agree with the previous commenter in that registries aren’t good or bad (or greedy or generous). They’re just a tool. You can abuse that tool or be responsible with it, but the registry itself is a courtesy.
Having said that, I had a hard time registering for nice things because I didn’t want people spending money just so we could have “better” stuff. In the end, though, gift givers get to decide what they give, so telling everyone to send their money to a certain charity probably won’t fly too well in reality. Gift givers want to help you, not just spend money for the sake of it. (well, most of them…)
I think the line is when you ask for items that are of a better quality than what older guests might have (like your parents, aunts, and uncles). If they don’t have Calvin Klein sheets or Vera Wang dishes, you may be reaching a bit. Doesn’t sound like you’re going that far.
I can’t really comment on the silverware specifically–it’s a personal choice in the end. We ended up getting medium quality stuff at BBB. Quality brand, lasting design, about $100 for a full set. There’s probably a middle ground in between your two choices, perhaps at at different store.
July 22nd, 2008 at 6:11 am
@Red - I’d be totally down with just getting cash - I would register for that if it was possible. That way we could put it toward the honeymoon and use the money we’ve saved to pay off debt.
@Sara - “I think the line is when you ask for items that are of a better quality than what older guests might have (like your parents, aunts, and uncles). If they don’t have Calvin Klein sheets or Vera Wang dishes, you may be reaching a bit.” Very well said! This is why we aren’t registering for the fancy knife set we’ve been eyeing for years. My grandmother would never understand a $160 knife. Our lifestyle doesn’t fit with
expensive sheets and dishes - it would seem a complete mis-match if we were to register for that kind of stuff.
July 22nd, 2008 at 7:05 am
As someone who is getting married in 11 days (and will be a guest at two upcoming weddings) I’m right in the middle of all of this madness.
I think a registry is helpful for guests who don’t know what to buy or don’t feel comfortable giving cash. We tried to pick practical items that we really do need, and we chose items that were very inexpensive and some were more expensive. In our families it’s common for several people to go in together to buy bigger gifts like luggage or china.
July 22nd, 2008 at 7:43 am
I had a really small wedding last summer, but we didn’t register. The result was that most people either gave nothing or gave cash. If you’re having a bridal shower, though, I think a registry is pretty much required (since people will watch you open your gifts, it wouldn’t be very fun to watch you open envelopes full of cash).
My problem isn’t with registries for the wedding, it’s with bridal showers. THAT’S the area that bothers me considering that people are getting married later in life. The purpose of the bridal shower was for a young lady to get her first items to get set up in her first home. These days, it just doesn’t apply anymore. I say, do away with bridal showers!
July 22nd, 2008 at 8:16 am
When we registered last year, we looked at it as a wish list, where most of the stuff on our registry we’d like to have but really didn’t need as we were already living together and with enough stuff already.
There was a lot of stuff left unpurchased on our registry that we don’t feel bad about not getting because we didn’t really need it in the first place.
Also, we picked stuff from all different price ranges since we were inviting guests from all different economic backgrounds.
When we get gifts for friends, we generally look at the registry and if there isn’t something there we’d like them to have, we find something similar using the registry as a guide to their tastes.
July 22nd, 2008 at 8:20 am
About a year ago, I recognized that I was putting off buying nice things for myself in anticipation of receiving them as gifts at my wedding (date, time, location, and groom still TBD). Then I realized that’s RIDICULOUS. Why don’t I deserve to have nice things NOW? Why do I have to wait until I’ve achieved a gold standard set by society to have matching silverware and plates?
When I had to suddenly resupply my entire kitchen, I bought myself nice stuff. Sure, it cost a little bit more, but it will last longer, too. I don’t need a man in my house to deserve a matching bedroom set or kitchen appliances that didn’t once belong to someone else.
In my opinion, wedding registries are a relic, left over from when people left their parents’ household and needed items to set up a new one. I understand the societal pressure to have a registry, but it still doesn’t make a lot of sense.
July 22nd, 2008 at 11:14 am
I think Sara has it. Most times, guests expect a registry, and it is nice when you don’t know what to get someone. It does generally keep people from ending up with 15 blankets and 3 colanders.
Personally, we’re set up pretty minimally. I will likely ask for some replacements in the kitchen for dishes, flatware, and pots and pans. Some of our silverware handles are cracked (and I’d love more than 4 spoons), the plates finishes are coming off (cheap things that they are) and we only have one large lid and one very tiny lid for our cookware. We have only two sheets and I’d love some curtains and maybe some rugs. But there’s nothing that we absolutely NEED to have. If we did, we’d already have them.
I also intend that my guests will know that gifts are appreciated, but not required and non registry items are more than welcome. There will also be no bridal shower. My fiancee and I are both appalled by a recent friend who had one. Her parents are very well off. They paid for college, wedding and condo down payment and financing costs. They’ve lived in said condo for about a year now. I can’t see that they need both a large bridal shower AND wedding gifts.
July 22nd, 2008 at 1:37 pm
After having attended many weddings recently, I am a little annoyed with wedding gifts as a general idea in today’s society for many of the reasons people mentioned. People are getting married later in life and it is not “helping a young couple get set up.” Yes I want to celebrate their joyous occasion, but I’m not buying them a $500 rug. Also, it can cost so much to attend weddings sometimes (if out of town easily $1000 with hotel and flight, etc) then I have to get a gift too? That being said, I understand people having registries if they know people will buy them gifts and don’t want to get things they won’t use. I also appreciate it when the list contains mostly reasonable items, as many of my friends have done (individual items ranging in price from $5-$200). So while I am not a big fan of wedding gifts/registries in general, I never have faulted a friend or loved one for having one as I understand it is a common tradition. I do however, get irked when the stuff is insanely expensive. I thought it was VERY rude when one couple had a registry where at least half the items were over $500. Definitely things I couldn’t afford to buy for myself. They had nice little tags next to them that said things like “group gift!” Very insulting in my opinion. They completely overreached given the economics of most of the people attending. I don’t think any of those items were purchased, and all the cheap items got snapped up quickly, which made me picking something difficult. That was also a wedding my boyfriend and I had to travel to as well, and for the two of us it was easily over $1000 just to get there and have a hotel.
When my boyfriend and I get married, I’ve been trying to figure out text for our invitations set, something like: “Our wedding day is a chance for us to celebrate our love with friends and family, and thus gifts are not expected. Your presence is a gift in itself.”
No we’re not rich, and yes there are some new things I’d like, but this is just what I feel most comfortable with after going to a bazillion weddings.
July 22nd, 2008 at 4:11 pm
Here it is from a Guy’s perspective…zzzzzzz
Unless we get to register for some guy stuff, we probably don’t care as long as you are being bride-zilla and fleecing our family.
July 23rd, 2008 at 11:17 am
Little Miss Moneybags said exactly what I was thinking. This is a societal tradition that has outlived it’s original helpful purpose. Instead of bridal and wedding registries, people should do registries when they go to college or get their first job. That’s a time when you really do need help getting all the basics in life, like silverware and pots, and sheets and stuff.
Sadly, this is yet another example of our culture being focused on consumption. When I realized I was a lesbian I faced the reality that I will probably never have a wedding registry and that if I want nice things, or just regular things, then I am responsible for saving and planning to get them for themselves. And so even though I think Vera Wang plates are gorgeous I don’t kid myself that I’ll have them some day, because I know I’d never pay for them and no one else should have to pay for them for me.
July 25th, 2008 at 6:16 am
We just got married last weekend, and I too had some serious qualms about the registry. Finally, actually, our registry person was very helpful. She reminded us it’s like creating a little store for our friends and family to shop. My fiance and I sat down and decided what on the registry we really wanted — beautiful wine glasses. Now, we’ll return some of the other things that weren’t so important to fill out the glasses we didn’t get. Yes, it means on the very rare chance that my second cousin visits us, she won’t see the teapot she bought us. But, it also means we won’t have a bunch of clutter in the house, and we can enjoy a glass of wine in an amazing glass every night. My advice is to pick something high-end that you really want and fill out the registry with fun, less expensive things. Save all the receipts and don’t open the packages until the end. You’ll quickly see $200 — $400 worth of stuff that you don’t really need that you can exchange for what you really want.
July 25th, 2008 at 9:06 am
I have to say (and this is just my personal opinion) that I don’t agree with registering for items you know you don’t want or need with the intention of returning them for what you really want. Your family and friends are going out and spending, and basically wasting, their time and money for something they think you really need.
In terms of people being older and not needing help setting up a home, that’s not always entirely true. I don’t own a home yet, and I don’t make a lot of money, so I’ve pretty much been living off of hand-me-downs. Some of my old/current stuff is in such bad shape that I won’t even donate it. Once we started getting new things, a lot of the old stuff went directly into the trash because it was so beat up. As I mentioned earlier, we mostly registered for very practical things. The only really frivilous thing we got was good china from my parents because they knew that I really wanted it.
July 27th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
[…] Banker Girl is getting hitched in Bridal Registries - Enabling generosity or a license to greed? […]
July 28th, 2008 at 8:18 pm
My fiance and I are getting married in October and decided not to register. It’s his second marriage and we are both well into our 30s, have been living alone a long time, and have everything we need. Also, our tastes are simple. We eat off of IKEA plates and have our favorite plastic glasses and vintage 70s mugs we got at a local used furniture store that we love. We’ll leave it open - if people are spending money to get here I don’t expect a gift. If people want to give us something we’ll accept their thoughtful gift with appreciation. If people want to give us money, we’ll put it to good use (paying my remaining credit card debt). I agree with other posters - it’s an old fashioned idea. LOVE the idea of first apartment registeries. Now that’s a modern, useful idea.
July 30th, 2008 at 1:09 am
1) No one *has* to buy you a gift.
2) However, a lot of the time people *want* to buy you a gift. Something to say “Congratulations! We care about you! We want to do something nice for you on this momentous occasion.”
3) Having a registry is a guide for your style and tastes. Otherwise you might end up with 6 chip and dip sets.
4) Actually, you might still end up with 6 chip and dip sets. If you’re registered, you can return the other 5 for store credit towards something else you’d prefer. We’re still using that store credit two years later.
5) If you still feel very, very uncomfortable about “asking” for gifts - designate a charity. Actually, with some sites you can do both. (If a guest purchases from the site, a portion of the gift price will be donated to a charity of your choosing.)
6) Most importantly - congratulations and best wishes for your marriage. : )
August 7th, 2008 at 11:33 am
I grew up in a very backwoods rural kind of area in Canada and where registries were available but not very well known. When I met my American fiance (now hubby) and discovered registries I was overjoyed. We were able to start a new life together with new things. I went straight from my college dorm to our 1-bedroom apartment so it made sense for us since most of the stuff I had in my dorm was hand-me-downs or garage-sale finds and he basically lived with his parents.
The frustrating thing was that no one from my hometown wanted to use the registry. They seemed to think it was unoriginal and a “lazy way out”, even though the purchase would have been shipped directly to our new home 2000 miles away (instead of us having to drive it or ship it there). Most of the gifts that were given to me at my shower were left behind and sold in a garage sale because I just couldn’t bring a crystal cake stand on the airplane with me.
I know that registries seem to be a uncreative sort of thing, or even a bride and groom dictating what people should buy for them, but honestly, I wasn’t demanding gifts - but if someone wanted to get something for us I would have preferred it to be something useful and something pre-shipped to our new residence. Even though we picked everything out, I can remember who purchased what and that means just as much to me as a unique and personalized gift.
August 14th, 2008 at 8:46 pm
I know I am getting to this late, because I’ve been busy and haven’t checked your site lately, but I couldn’t help posting on this topic. First, it’s kind of benign (won’t insite a family argument or gossip), but also, I think I have some valid points to consider.
First, do not at all feel guilty for registering for practical things that are reasonably priced if your old stuff is in poor shape. I agree with the earlier posts that if your family and friends would not consider buying them for themselves, you should pass these up with exception of one or two items. Most people who are invited to your wedding know that 1) you have a good paying job but have struggled with spending and can use cash and 2) that you like things. If you register for reasonable things, they will be happy to give them to you. If you go way over the top, they are going to not buy what you register for because it will be too expensive AND they will assume that if they give money you will use that money to buy these kind of expensive unnecessary things for yourself, which they might also feel crappy about.
Second, if you want to upgrade mismatched or hand-me-down household items, this is the time to do it. Knowing that a lot of the people who were invited to my wedding will also be invited to yours, I can say that you will likely have to add things to your registry multiple times. I would suggest starting with reasonably priced basics and keep a list for more expensive desires to add when and if your registry gets close to being fulfilled before the wedding. To take some of the sting out of the idea of asking for things you don’t need, consider donating your old mismatched stuff to charity (I know a good agency that helps set up apartments for homeless young moms!). Also, if you were registering for the debated flatware at the store we’ve both worked at, I would reconsider, not because of the price, but because few people from our family will have easy access to that store.
Third, you will not be able to dictate whether people give you cash or gifts (even though that would be nice, wouldn’t it?). People generally usually give one or the other for every wedding they attend. No matter what you register for or don’t register for, it probably won’t affect this much.
Finally, do NOT feel guilty about having a shower. I’m sure you’re surpised by your very frugal little sister saying this. Sure, the traditional reason for needing a shower does not apply to you because you have been living together. However, you are a very generous person, have given nice gifts to lots of others, and should get the benefit of a shower just as a young bride would. Don’t feel guilty to register for picture frames, shelves, or reasonably-priced wall art to complete your home rather than kitchen items. I wish I had registered for more of this because it’s just plain stupid that I have a 24 inch griddle that hasn’t made it out of its box, as well as many more cookie sheets than I could possibly use at one time.
Okay, that got a lot longer than I had originally intended, but I think you get my point.
I’ve also read your post about wedding planning. Just remember: in two months, you won’t have to worry about it and you’ll be married and none of these little details will matter. That helped me get through. Please let me know if you need help addressing invites, putting together programs, etc. Best wishes and many blessings!!
August 16th, 2008 at 6:29 am
I think registries are a relic, back when getting married was an achievement (hey you survived past childhood; next step: don’t die during childbirth). But now, I think they only fuel our false sense of entitlement. Unless you get married right out of college, you’ve already set up house (and if you didn’t, it’s because you were waiting for other people to get you stuff). I think we set up bridal registries for the same reason we get into debt - we feel like we deserve all this great stuff.
All that being said - having a registry with a wide variety of items on it is totally fine. Some people like to know they’re getting you something you want. But it shouldn’t be any different from any other gift-giving occasion.
I love the idea of alternative registries. i’ve had friends set up lists on charity sites, kaboodle, travel sites, etc. If you go beyond the typical stores (like amazon or kaboodle), you can put honeymoon-related stuff on there. I’d so much rather contribute to that than buy you china.
September 16th, 2008 at 9:23 am
[…] Bridal Registries - enabling generosity or a license for greed? […]
March 30th, 2009 at 11:34 pm
I’m tired or bridal greed. A family member just got married 2 years ago on an expensive ($3K) one week long cruise. I couldn’t afford to go to the wedding because it was so expensive (the bride thought she was doing everyone a favor by making family take and expensive “vacation” little did she think wow, she was choosing their destination and the timing for them, pretty self-centered IMHO). After the expense of the cruise wedding she still expected her guests to show up with wedding gifts. I didn’t send her anything because I went to her shower. BTW we are talking about a woman in her late 30s marrying a guy in his late thirties and both of them own their own homes that are fully furnished.
I’m tired of bridal greed. I have one friend who is getting married in June and she had NO registry. She is planning a very expensive reception and she has been quite adamant that she wants ONLY cash.
She says that if she doesn’t get at least $175 per person, she considers the guest CHEAP. I don’t spend $175 on a dinner anywhere. With this attitude, I don’t even want to go to the wedding. I’m disgusted by her greedy attitude. She also wants to plan her own bachelorette party in Newport where each person will spend a lot of money and pay her way through the weekend. This was the same case with my family member who had a bachelorette weekend in an island destination. I was invited to that but only went for a day an no small expense.
I haven’t heard of any bridal shower for this friend in June but I won’t be attending. And I don’t feel that I should be required to pay $175 pp for a stupid wedding/reception that is over the top. By the way, this lady is in her late thirties and she owns a huge house and pulls down a huge salary as does her fiance.